___where the HELL is my prozac___

Submissive Cake Love
August 1, 2011, 4:59 pm
Filed under: Classified Ad, random nonsense, Self-help | Tags: , , , , ,


Another day in the orifice…
October 16, 2007, 6:35 pm
Filed under: Boredom, london, Office, random nonsense, Scrabble | Tags: , , , , ,

10am & hung over after a raucous Thursday night, I sneak to my desk past semi-comatose colleagues, my pasty office tan camouflaged against the white of the sterile hallway.

I work in an average London office, for an average salary with an average company. Like a school for the ‘special’ we have a kitchen covered with safety stickers so we don’t wash our hands under the boiler tap, stick our fingers in power sockets or drink straight from the water cooler.
I spend my days spinning in my office chair shaded a pleasant cloudy-grey, basking for hours under a constant fluorescent glow & updating my Facebook status at every opportunity…
****** is… bored
****** is… hungry
****** is… asleep
****** is… enjoying talking about himself in the 3rd person
****** is… therefore I am

My manager notices my lateness, gives me my seventh final warning then retreats back to his office to browse personal ads.

I’m not even sure what our department actually does. Sometimes we have meetings. We all meet in the boardroom, talk about our weekends & listen to our manager recite the same speech about being more focused on the company’s priorities. We then go back to our cubicles & compete to find the funniest &/or strangest movie on YouTube.

The IT department sent me an email yesterday to say that I was the second highest user of Facebook in the company & that number one had just been sacked. Time for another status change…

****** is… the new highest Facebook violator in the company!

After a few smug spins in my chair, proud of my new title, I figured I should get some real work done.
I had photos to upload, friends to poke, online scrabble to play & primary school girlfriends to search for. It was going to be a hard day.

(Dedicated to my flattie, a self-confessed Facebook fanatic)

Hello Haiku!
March 14, 2007, 11:51 pm
Filed under: Girls Girls Girls, Haiku, Poem, random nonsense

I`m sure none of you have been the slightest bit concerned that your nonsensical narrator may have fallen off the face of the earth several months ago, consequently resulting in a lack of fine* material during this period… and if anyone was in fact worried, they`re now breathing a sigh of relief as I obviously must still be in reach of an internet connection & therefore did not experience any gravitational phenomena.

That being said, as I now travel the globe & manage to find time between some serious holidaying, i.e. whenever it rains, I will endeavour to post more fantastic*, excellent* & stupendously* brilliant* stuff .

It`s only partly cloudy today so I`ll leave you with some “Hello I`m back” haiku. Until next time, enjoy.

Traffic Lights

Man on my chassis

Funding his junkie habits

Wipes clean my windscreen.

Calling Home

Dialling numbers

An international call

I`m still dialling!

The Golf Ball

Enclosed in whiteness

Break me free from spherical

Freedom with your wood


Hey look it`s egg time!

Excreted chicken product

Yolk drips off my chin

Beware the Dreaded Clown Monkey

Elusive devil

Wicked little clown monkey

But damn you`re so cute!

*Adjectives have been changed to protect the author`s dignity & in no way represent an actual portrayal of the said material`s quality

Lip Rehab – THE SEQUEL
June 9, 2006, 1:27 pm
Filed under: Lips, Organics, random nonsense, Rehabilitation, Shopping, Short Story

Once upon a time there was a handsome young whippersnapper by the name of Henry Horatio Esquire the Third & one dry day, he found himself in dire need of some lip refreshment.   So he went to his local lubricant supplier & bought a tub of KY for his mistress…. Okaaaay wrong lips, that was a different story…

I’ll continue…in dire need of some lip refreshment he mosey’d on down to his local organic, healthfood & supplementary dispensary.  He found himself with a dilemma.  This was not to be a simple task.  There were ointments of beeswax, toe-jam, wheatgrass & jojoba.  Even more of pureed rhino horn, termite larvae & other wild concoctions.   After much pondering he chose a stick of tea-tree for its antiseptic properties.   $4.95 later, his lips were moist & tasted like antiseptic.  This made him highly popular with the ladies.

One week passed & Henry Horatio Esquire the Third thought life could get no better UNTIL his wax-like stick of tea-tree was drained.  He tried everything to revive it even using a bamboo straw to suck at the last remants of goodness but it was no use.  The ointment was no more.

He was left with no choice but to return to the pharmaceutical, trinkets & ointment dispensary he had visited years prior with a lass by the name of Emma Edelweiss the Fifteenth where he found an identical chap-stick that had served him so well. 

And to this day the chap-stick with its masculine black coloured vessel & tasting like watermelon travels with Henry Horatio Esquire the Third on every treacherous path he goes down, & even paths he doesn’t – that’s how good it is.

The End.

Mutant Menagerie

The new x-men has been released & often I wonder if maybe everyone has some kind of mutant power but just isn’t aware of it.  Kinda like when a baby hurls & it’s spewing everywhere but doesn’t quite know what’s going on then realises he has mushed giblets all down his front & instantly sobs out of confusion.  Why don’t adults sob out of confusion?  Is it because we don’t get so confused any more or is it a dignity thing?    Next time I’m in an elevator & it opens at a floor, & nobody gets in or out, maybe I’ll sob to prove I don’t have pride issues.

So back to the mutant powers drivel…  I have an uncanny knack at predicting quantities of envelopes.  I can’t actually tell you how many is in a pile (not yet anyway), but if I have an unspecified amount of love letters that I need to mail to my throngs of adoring female admirers (hi girls), every time I randomly grab a pile of envelopes from the stationery cupboard at work, I always seem to grab the exact amount required. No more, no less.  Crazy huh?

I also have mutant-like skills at small talk.  I try to avoid it all costs but like the Hulk, when faced with it, my powers are unleashed.  I can captivate the listener with deep & meaningful topics such as the weather (eg – “how about this rain!?”) or trivial questions like “So how’s things? Busy?  Yeah same.”   I can keep this up for the duration of all five floors in my work elevator if I have to.

So remember, mutants have feelings too.  Except for the giant magnetised guy that shoots metal & reigns terror.  He’s just a heartless bitch.

[Editor’s note:  Observant ones amongst you may have noticed a high level of references to elevators in this feature.  Don’t look too deeply into it, things have just been a little up & down of late.]

A Short Tale of Lip Rehabilitation

Once upon a time, a charming young gent by the name of Henry Horatio Esquire the Third & his sidekick Emma Eidelweiss the Fifteenth went lip ointment shopping.

“My My!” exclaimed Emma Eidelweiss the Fifteenth, “Look how many varieties there are!!”  Henry Horatio Esquire the Third cocked his head to the side like a meerkat spotting a fellow meerkat frolicking over his dirt mound.  “Many!!” she reinstated.

Henry Horatio Esquire the Third had set out with the intention of getting the standard ointment on the market but it turned out that what he thought was the standard was actually the ultra & that there was also this one that was clear yet still had the same attributes as the ultra one. Was a difficult decision, especially because he also noticed a re-hydrating complete moisture one & thought to himself, “Wouldn’t it be grand to have moist lips all the time?!”

Anyhow he got the most manly one there, the ‘Clear Advance’, that comes in a black tube so he still retained full masculinity points.

The End (…to dry lips)

[Editor’s note:  As wild as it sounds, this is actually based on a true story & there are rumours that a screenplay version has been considered for a upcoming musical.  Check your local guides.    I hear Emma Eidelweiss the Fifteenth was also successful on this shopping expedition but that’s another story.]

Subliminal Deutschland

You know those self-help type CDs that you listen to when you’re falling asleep?   You can get them to teach you foreign languages, achieve dieting goals etc etc. Well I got given one recently called ‘Getting Around to It’ which is designed to stop procrastinators procrastinating.   I figure the procrastinator market is a tricky one, because even presuming they get around to buying the CD, why would they bother to listen to it?  

After 3 weeks of feeling sorry for their marketing team, I gave in & got around to it.  I slept through two nights of subliminal messages, then got bored & went back to sleeping to whatever music’s on my hit list.  Top of the list this week, Kraftwerk. (I’ve been going through a relectro phase lately).  (relectro is a word that I just thought up meaning retro electro from the early 80s – *wonders if actually invented this word*).

Maybe I have the self-help CD to thank for finally getting around to writing this first blog or maybe I have Kraftwerk to thank for my sudden fluency in German.  (i.e.  aero-dynamik  n. (âro-di-nam-ik) = German laundry powder. 

Whatever’s to blame, I hope my imaginary readers out there in blog-ville get something positive out of this site – actually get brain-freeze for all I care but here’s an excerpt from a Kraftwerk song that I think we can all get something out of…

Radioactivity (english translation)

“Radioactivity, it’s in the air for you & me,

Radioactivity, invented by Madame Curie,

Radioactivity, listen to my melody”

<insert pop synthetiser solo-jam….yeah>. 



Auf Wiedersehn!

[editor’s note:   to get a few matters out of the way & avoid future disappointment, this is not a Kraftwerk fan blog, nor a self-help, nor a language/educational resource. If you have got this far, expecting you’d learn something about German culture, I suggest you click http://www.eviltrailmix.com/animutation/untitled.swf]