___where the HELL is my prozac___

Happy High Herbivore
June 16, 2006, 5:03 pm
Filed under: Herbs, Poem, Psychadelics

Herbs, herbs you are such wonderful things,

thyme, basil, sage & spring onion.

 I buy you from my local store,

or on the net, delivered to my door.

 Exotic herbs from everywhere,

if not for all the customs there.

 Mushrooms, poppy or datura,

mandrake, kava, cuppa yerba?

 HB woodrose, marijuana,

voacanga africana!

 Yes herbs, you are such wonderful things!

You friendly, fun hallucinogens!



Lip Rehab – THE SEQUEL
June 9, 2006, 1:27 pm
Filed under: Lips, Organics, random nonsense, Rehabilitation, Shopping, Short Story

Once upon a time there was a handsome young whippersnapper by the name of Henry Horatio Esquire the Third & one dry day, he found himself in dire need of some lip refreshment.   So he went to his local lubricant supplier & bought a tub of KY for his mistress…. Okaaaay wrong lips, that was a different story…

I’ll continue…in dire need of some lip refreshment he mosey’d on down to his local organic, healthfood & supplementary dispensary.  He found himself with a dilemma.  This was not to be a simple task.  There were ointments of beeswax, toe-jam, wheatgrass & jojoba.  Even more of pureed rhino horn, termite larvae & other wild concoctions.   After much pondering he chose a stick of tea-tree for its antiseptic properties.   $4.95 later, his lips were moist & tasted like antiseptic.  This made him highly popular with the ladies.

One week passed & Henry Horatio Esquire the Third thought life could get no better UNTIL his wax-like stick of tea-tree was drained.  He tried everything to revive it even using a bamboo straw to suck at the last remants of goodness but it was no use.  The ointment was no more.

He was left with no choice but to return to the pharmaceutical, trinkets & ointment dispensary he had visited years prior with a lass by the name of Emma Edelweiss the Fifteenth where he found an identical chap-stick that had served him so well. 

And to this day the chap-stick with its masculine black coloured vessel & tasting like watermelon travels with Henry Horatio Esquire the Third on every treacherous path he goes down, & even paths he doesn’t – that’s how good it is.

The End.

Super Smart Scrabble
June 8, 2006, 5:33 pm
Filed under: Scrabble

I played scrabble recently on a 50 year old board. That’s old. Judging by the condition I’d say it’s been played on twice.

That’s some extensive use of the english vocabulary right there.

arr scrabble me timbers

[Editor’s note: god this post is boring, has it come to this already?  This site needs content so will leave it here until something better comes up.  Just ignore for now & go watch the babies movie in mutant menagerie…or if you’ve seen that too many times already, read on:

I was asked to run a marathon.   I said, “No way!” They said, “Come on, please, it’s for spastics & blind children.”     So I thought, “Fuck it, I could win this!.”]

Mutant Menagerie

The new x-men has been released & often I wonder if maybe everyone has some kind of mutant power but just isn’t aware of it.  Kinda like when a baby hurls & it’s spewing everywhere but doesn’t quite know what’s going on then realises he has mushed giblets all down his front & instantly sobs out of confusion.  Why don’t adults sob out of confusion?  Is it because we don’t get so confused any more or is it a dignity thing?    Next time I’m in an elevator & it opens at a floor, & nobody gets in or out, maybe I’ll sob to prove I don’t have pride issues.

So back to the mutant powers drivel…  I have an uncanny knack at predicting quantities of envelopes.  I can’t actually tell you how many is in a pile (not yet anyway), but if I have an unspecified amount of love letters that I need to mail to my throngs of adoring female admirers (hi girls), every time I randomly grab a pile of envelopes from the stationery cupboard at work, I always seem to grab the exact amount required. No more, no less.  Crazy huh?

I also have mutant-like skills at small talk.  I try to avoid it all costs but like the Hulk, when faced with it, my powers are unleashed.  I can captivate the listener with deep & meaningful topics such as the weather (eg – “how about this rain!?”) or trivial questions like “So how’s things? Busy?  Yeah same.”   I can keep this up for the duration of all five floors in my work elevator if I have to.

So remember, mutants have feelings too.  Except for the giant magnetised guy that shoots metal & reigns terror.  He’s just a heartless bitch.

[Editor’s note:  Observant ones amongst you may have noticed a high level of references to elevators in this feature.  Don’t look too deeply into it, things have just been a little up & down of late.]